First of all, I can't believe I'm sharing this story with anyone but...as I generally preface the story with, it's way too funny a story not to tell. Just do me a favor, folks. When you repeat the story, AND YOU WILL REPEAT THE STORY, leave my name out of it, please! Just say it happened to "a guy you know". Thank you in advance.
As some of you know, I'm just starting a career in car sales. I recently switched from the dealership that initially hired me, to one I'm much happier with. I was fortunate enough to get an interview and I figured once I got it, I'd have no problem impressing the interviewers. I was right. They loved me. They told me they'd try to get me processed and working as soon as possible. Once the background check and drug screening results came back clear, I was good to go. "Background check and WHAT!!??" I say to myself. Greeeaaat. I have 4 days to detox. Oh, yeah. I smoke herb on occasion. Ok, on SEVERAL occasions. That's not the point. I have to pass this test because I HAVE to get into this other, more reputable delearship.
Four days to flush the system. I went to one of the many bay area smoke shops, told the salesperson my situation, she asked me a series of questions, I answered, she sold me a bag of pills, a bottle of juice, and a pre-test. For four days, I popped pills, drank the juice, took in more water than the Costa Concordia, and peed more than a pregnant possum on her period (I've done the research). Fast forward to test day. I'm nervous AND confident. It was the fear of the unknown combined with the fact that in the past 4 days, I've consumed SOOOO MUUUUCH WAAATER, took the products, and gotten my urine so damn clear, you coulda dropped an ice-cube into it and served it as tequilla blanco that I felt I couldn't POSSIBLY fail the screening!
3 hours before test time. I go to the restroom with the pre-test, administer the test with my sample and wait 5-7 of the longest minutes of my life. (That must be what you ladies felt like if you've ever taken a home pregnancy test. OOOOH, the agony.) When time came for the result of my pretest, I checked.....FAIL. No more confidence. Utter panic. What do I do? I recalled when I took and passed a test years ago and all I did was drink lots of water and 2 cups of vinegar over the same time frame. Soooooo....vinegar it is. I poured myself a tall cup of the cupboards finest white vinegar and took it to the dome. If you've never done it, you have no idea what you're missing. AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE MISSING IT. I'm not sure what's harder to do, drink it up or hold it down. UUUUGH.......You know how nasty it tastes when you eat sausage and burp later? Try that shit after pounding a cup of vinegar instead. #NoBueno...But I kept it down, drank more and more water and made my way to the testing facility.
30 minutes before test time. I'm sitting in the waiting room of the facility, filling out paperwork. Due to all the water (and cleanse products) I once again had go pee. I sit the clipboard and paperwork down and get up to use the restroom in the lobby before it was my turn to go to the back and submit my official sample.
Lobby restroom, 20 minutes before test time:
My stomach is full. I KNOW it's because I have to pee. This is wear it gets wild. And slightly more graphic. I start to unbutton my jeans and pull my uhh...you know...out, but before I do, I THINK I have to fart because it feels like a mass of air in my stomach that I need to release. So...I took a breath, prepared to push out a gust of flatulant wind but WHOA...so wrong. I basically exploded on myself. I was like a 37 year old 2 year old shittin' in my grown-ass diapers. Depends, anyone? Now...let's put this together. I have a pee test in about 15 minutes, I'm in the facility lobby and I just accidentally shit on myself, thinking I was simply lettin' out a fart. How stupid do I feel at that moment? And more importantly, how do I fix the problem? Here goes...
10 mintues before test time. I gets just about completely "nekkit" in the restroom (and I'm sure this wasn't what Humpty got into in that Burger King bathroom) to take what's called a "Ho Bath". Yep. Soap, water, paper towels. It had to be a hilarious sight if they had me on camera. The only remains of my shame was what was "caught" by my boxer briefs. I had to hide the evidence. I emptied the restroom's trash can, buried my drawls at the bottom and put the trash back inside. How stupid did I feel? I got clean, got dressed, and got ready to take and eventually pass the official screening. I'm happily employed for the delearship I tested for and I've since replaced those fallen briefs.
What have I been doing, you ask?
Oh, just maintainin', pimpin' and panderin', slippin, slidin' and meanderin'/I like my chicken fried or mandarin. Chillin like a villain minus the robbin' and "stillin'". ready for the weekend tailgate to do some grillin. Drink spillin, Peppermillin', Corey Dillon...retired last season.
Sorry. That's how I warm up. Singers do the "mi-mi-mi" thing, musicians go through their scales, athletes inject HGH, I free-write.
I've been workin' on my DJ skills, y'all! Once I get tight, and a driver's license, I'll be able to spin at your next gig, social gathering, Super Bowl party, nephew's bar-mitzvah, your hispanic potna's niece's quincinera, booty-shake contest, bus boycott, freedom rally, YOU NAME IT!!!
Football season. That means one thing first and foremost. You can forget about me answering the phone so don't bother calling. Between my Niners and the rest of the NFL, I'm not tryin' to be bothered with much else. Unless you got some big booty friends comin' through after the game. Or you ARE a big booty comin' through after the game. In which case, leave a message and I'll prioritize your call accordingly.
Enough about big booties for the moment. Back to football...most people would assume that because I'm a 49er fan I hate the raiders. Far from true. First, I live by the motto, "I don't have to hate yours to love mine". My mother raised 2 boys, no haters. So if the raiders are playing, as long as they aren't playing the Niners, I'm rather indifferent. What happens is, I hang out at an all raider sportsbar and they cheer loudly for any team that is beating my Niners so I look forward to raider losses when I'm in that bar simply because it means I know I won't have to hear about my team taking one in the loss column. How you gon' talk shit when yo' shit ain't shit either? Nah-mean, son?
Sunday we tailgate. Perhaps I'll have a blog for you. The plan is to arrive at the stadium at about 7am...which means only 2 remys saturday night. I'll be makin' brefiss burritos and my boy's gonna hook up lunch. Last game we had sausage nigg-muffins for brefiss, salmon skewers, catfish, skrimps, and NY steak. In a word...HELLAGOOD! This week I'ma have to shop for my own brew though cause a brotha can only drink so much Miller High Life before he starts feelin' like Da Mayor in Do The Right Thing. (RIP, Ossie Davis!)
Well, folks...my dick is long but my time is short! 'Til next time,
Love, Peace, and Soul!!! (Shout out to Don Cornelius!)
I just had a thought, IMAGINE THAT? Isn't it a sad testament to the music we listen to, which is influenced by the world we live in, that the old closing line from Soul Train that I quoted above could actually be justifiably replaced with Hate, Violence, and Hip-Hop?
Things that make you say..."Word has far too much time on his hands."
WORD.