Tuesday, March 6, 2012

SHART Happens

First of all, I can't believe I'm sharing this story with anyone but...as I generally preface the story with, it's way too funny a story not to tell. Just do me a favor, folks. When you repeat the story, AND YOU WILL REPEAT THE STORY, leave my name out of it, please! Just say it happened to "a guy you know". Thank you in advance.

As some of you know, I'm just starting a career in car sales. I recently switched from the dealership that initially hired me, to one I'm much happier with. I was fortunate enough to get an interview and I figured once I got it, I'd have no problem impressing the interviewers. I was right. They loved me. They told me they'd try to get me processed and working as soon as possible. Once the background check and drug screening results came back clear, I was good to go. "Background check and WHAT!!??" I say to myself. Greeeaaat. I have 4 days to detox. Oh, yeah. I smoke herb on occasion. Ok, on SEVERAL occasions. That's not the point. I have to pass this test because I HAVE to get into this other, more reputable delearship. 

Four days to flush the system. I went to one of the many bay area smoke shops, told the salesperson my situation, she asked me a series of questions, I answered, she sold me a bag of pills, a bottle of juice, and a pre-test. For four days, I popped pills, drank the juice, took in more water than the Costa Concordia, and peed more than a pregnant possum on her period (I've done the research). Fast forward to test day. I'm nervous AND confident. It was the fear of the unknown combined with the fact that in the past 4 days, I've consumed SOOOO MUUUUCH WAAATER, took the products, and gotten my urine so damn clear, you coulda dropped an ice-cube into it and served it as tequilla blanco that I felt I couldn't POSSIBLY fail the screening!

3 hours before test time. I go to the restroom with the pre-test, administer the test with my sample and wait 5-7 of the longest minutes of my life. (That must be what you ladies felt like if you've ever taken a home pregnancy test. OOOOH, the agony.)  When time came for the result of my pretest, I checked.....FAIL. No more confidence. Utter panic. What do I do? I recalled when I took and passed a test years ago and all I did was drink lots of water and 2 cups of vinegar over the same time frame. Soooooo....vinegar it is. I poured myself a tall cup of the cupboards finest white vinegar and took it to the dome. If you've never done it, you have no idea what you're missing. AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE MISSING IT. I'm not sure what's harder to do, drink it up or hold it down. UUUUGH.......You know how nasty it tastes when you eat sausage and burp later? Try that shit after pounding a cup of vinegar instead. #NoBueno...But I kept it down, drank more and more water and made my way to the testing facility.

30 minutes before test time.  I'm sitting in the waiting room of the facility, filling out paperwork.  Due to all the water (and cleanse products) I once again had go pee. I sit the clipboard and paperwork down and get up to use the restroom in the lobby before it was my turn to go to the back and submit my official sample.

Lobby restroom, 20 minutes before test time:

My stomach is full. I KNOW it's because I have to pee. This is wear it gets wild. And slightly more graphic. I start to unbutton my jeans and pull my uhh...you know...out, but before I do, I THINK I have to fart because it feels like a mass of air in my stomach that I need to release. So...I took a breath, prepared to push out a gust of flatulant wind but WHOA...so wrong. I basically exploded on myself. I was like a 37 year old 2 year old shittin' in my grown-ass diapers. Depends, anyone? Now...let's put this together. I have a pee test in about 15 minutes, I'm in the facility lobby and I just accidentally shit on myself, thinking I was simply lettin' out a fart. How stupid do I feel at that moment? And more importantly, how do I fix the problem? Here goes...

10 mintues before test time. I gets just about completely "nekkit" in the restroom (and I'm sure this wasn't what Humpty got into in that Burger King bathroom) to take what's called a "Ho Bath". Yep. Soap, water, paper towels. It had to be a hilarious sight if they had me on camera. The only remains of my shame was what was "caught" by my boxer briefs. I had to hide the evidence. I emptied the restroom's trash can, buried my drawls at the bottom and put the trash back inside. How stupid did I feel? I got clean, got dressed, and got ready to take and eventually pass the official screening. I'm happily employed for the delearship I tested for and I've since replaced those fallen briefs.

Friday, June 17, 2011



What have I been doing, you ask? 
Oh, just maintainin', pimpin' and panderin', slippin, slidin' and meanderin'/I like my chicken fried or mandarin.  Chillin like a villain minus the robbin' and "stillin'".  ready for the weekend tailgate to do some grillin.  Drink spillin, Peppermillin', Corey Dillon...retired last season. 
Sorry.  That's how I warm up.  Singers do the "mi-mi-mi" thing, musicians go through their scales, athletes inject HGH, I free-write. 
I've been workin' on my DJ skills, y'all!  Once I get tight, and a driver's license, I'll be able to spin at your next gig, social gathering, Super Bowl party, nephew's bar-mitzvah, your hispanic potna's niece's quincinera, booty-shake contest, bus boycott, freedom rally, YOU NAME IT!!! 
Football season.  That means one thing first and foremost.  You can forget about me answering the phone so don't bother calling. Between my Niners and the rest of the NFL, I'm not tryin' to be bothered with much else.  Unless you got some big booty friends comin' through after the game.  Or you ARE a big booty comin' through after the game.  In which case, leave a message and I'll prioritize your call accordingly. 
Enough about big booties for the moment.  Back to football...most people would assume that because I'm a 49er fan I hate the raiders.  Far from true.  First, I live by the motto, "I don't have to hate yours to love mine".  My mother raised 2 boys, no haters. So if the raiders are playing, as long as they aren't playing the Niners, I'm rather indifferent.  What happens is, I hang out at an all raider sportsbar and they cheer loudly for any team that is beating my Niners so I look forward to raider losses when I'm in that bar simply because it means I know I won't have to hear about my team taking one in the loss column.  How you gon' talk shit when yo' shit ain't shit either?  Nah-mean, son? 
Sunday we tailgate.  Perhaps I'll have a blog for you.  The plan is to arrive at the stadium at about 7am...which means only 2 remys saturday night.  I'll be makin' brefiss burritos and my boy's gonna hook up lunch.  Last game we had sausage nigg-muffins for brefiss, salmon skewers, catfish, skrimps, and NY steak.  In a word...HELLAGOOD! This week I'ma have to shop for my own brew though cause a brotha can only drink so much Miller High Life before he starts feelin' like Da Mayor in Do The Right Thing.  (RIP, Ossie Davis!)
Well, folks...my dick is long but my time is short!  'Til next time,
Love, Peace, and Soul!!! (Shout out to Don Cornelius!)
I just had a thought, IMAGINE THAT?  Isn't it a sad testament to the music we listen to, which is influenced by the world we live in, that the old closing line from Soul Train that I quoted above could actually be justifiably replaced with Hate, Violence, and Hip-Hop?
Things that make you say..."Word has far too much time on his hands."

Monday, June 13, 2011

Win or Lose, He's Better Than You

"At the end of the day, all the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.  They have the same personal problems they had today,"~LeBron James

This, my friends, is how you respond to adversity. You tell the entire economy-battling nation to kiss your tax-free, wealthy ass. Because AT THE END OF THE DAY, LeBron James is better than you.  Hell, he's better than Jordan. Magic. Kobe. He and Jesus played a game of 1-on-1 but the result of the game is unknown. I think 'Bron won. He's taller than Jesus and those sandals make lateral movement a bit tough for our savior. :)

I just want to take this time to thank LeBron from allowing us the privilege of watching him play "the game of basketball" to take our minds off our shitty lives. If not for him and his ability to dribble a ball, my life would be empty. My soul would be lost.  

LeBron was right. I woke up today with the same life I had yesterday and with the same personal problems.  While he's making millions, I'm just a part-time employee hustling to come up with rent money every month. I hope to find a job with medical benefits before something happens to me. I Still don't have six-pack abs so I don't look as good without a shirt. King James has THE LIFE. According to Scottie Pippen, he's on track to be better than Michael Jordan. He was considered the best player in the league the moment he declared for the NBA out of high school. Add the fact that he's got the most popular mom and baby's mom in all of pro sports and even his hairline has its own Twitter hashtag.  (See #LeBronsHairline) and it's a wonder I haven't jumped off any tall structures due to depression.  

That's right, Mr. King Chosen One James, hold that big-ass head up high. Because no matter what they say about you, it could be worse. You could be Kobe. Successful and STILL hated. Lucky for you, you're just hated.  ;-)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm Just Sayin'.

Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for calling a referee a "fuckin' faggot." Joakim Noah was fined $50,000 for calling a fan the same thing. Ok, NBA...Where y'all at??? Jason Terry was seen clearly yelling "BITCH-ASS NIGGA" after hitting a jumpshot in the 4th quarter of Game 4 of the Finals. On behalf of niggas and bitches everywhere, I demand action.  If it's wrong to use a term considered disrespectful to gays, shouldn't we be equally as critical when viewers can see a player using a term that's historically disrespectful to women and black people?

I'm just sayin. :)

Monday, June 6, 2011


Can we please stop dissecting greatness? When Shaq and Kobe were winning together all folks cared about was "who's team is it, Shaq's or Kobe's?" That has to be the stupidest sports discussion ever and I roll my eyes whenever it's brought up when talking about a team. Now everybody's going back and forth about LeBron and D. Wade. Who's Batman? Who's Robin? It's clear that Chris Bosh is Catwoman but it makes no sense arguing the roles of 'Bron and Wade. At any given moment, they're both capable of carrying their team. The fact that LeBron couldn't lure any free agents to move to wack-ass Cleveland doesn't make him any less of a great player. He had no help and after 7 years of trying, he wasn't obligated to stay there! They all went to a team that plays in a great city to live in. Simple. Given the choice to join your All-Star friends, how many of you would suggest the 3 of you join forces in Ohio? Toronto? I didn't think so. If just so happened that Wade was already a Heat player. You people weren't calling him Batman when his team was suckin' like a fellatiologist last season and LeBron was dragging the talent-deficient Cavs to the best record in the league two years straight. If Miami was a cold-weather city and he decided to move to Cleveland, you'd probably be shittin' on Wade's name like you do LeBron's. What if they all decided to get together and play in Houston? Who'd be Robin then? 

Wilt Chamberlain didn't win an NBA Championship until 1972 when he joined Jerry West and the Los Angeles Lakers. I'll slap the sh*t outta anyone who dares call Wilt "Robin" to Jerry's "Batman" and it's no more accurate to reverse those labels on those two hall of famers. They were equally as vital to that team's winning. Hell, Jerry West lost in the finals 8 times and is STILL regarded as Mr. Clutch though he didn't get a ring until Wilt became a Laker. Nobody asked who's team it was THEN. When Magic and Kareem played together in the 80s and were winning 5 titles, it was understood that the combination of Magic and Kareem was what made these teams dangerous. You had to deal with The Captain in the paint with that skyhook as well as contain Magic Johnson's ability to run a team. Now, all of a sudden, it's not enough to be a good player on a good team. You've gotta be considered THE MAN on that team to get full respect. I find that to be some bullshit. 

I blame Michael Jordan. Jordan was signed by Nike as a rookie to an unprecedented contract. Nike essentially decided to put all of their marketing efforts into one player instead of a collection of players like typically done by shoe companies. While there were multiple athletes endorsing Converse, Adidas, etc., Mike was given his own shoe with his name on it. From that moment on, he was viewed as a stand-alone performer. It wasn't the Bulls. It was Michael Jordan and the Bulls. His teammates were called "The Jordanaires". They were basically treated like background singers to Mike's lead role. What used to be a barber shop quintet on the court became a solo artist with 4 beat-boxers behind him. Before him, TEAMS were marketed. After him, INDIVIDUALS were marketed. 

The bottom line is, great players who play on teams where they are the only great player end up retiring with no titles. See Charles Barkley, Dominique Wilkins, and Patrick Ewing to name a few. You think Bill Russell woulda won 11 rings without Bob Cousy and John Havlicek? Do me a favor. Read this.  In the deciding game of the Finals, Russell turned the ball over on a bad pass. As the story goes, he pleaded with his teammates to bail him out of that situation, acknowledging that he messed up.  Can you imagine the public scrutiny if that happened to today's "star player"? Let LeBron give up the potential game winning basket, THEN turn the ball over in the deciding moments of Game 7. Regardless if a teammate came up with the play that helped the team win. All folks would talk about is that poor defense and turnover and how LeBron isn't a clutch performer. I remind you AGAIN that Jerry West lost 8 times in the finals, didn't win until Chamberlain joined the team and yet, he's regarded as "Mr. Clutch" in NBA circles. When all is said and done, we were privileged enough to say we saw the likes of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal play. Years from now, I hope folks are able to appreciate that fact and respect the hard work that goes into putting together the legacy these guys have left. When LeBron and Kobe are retired, you're gonna sound really stupid questioning their impact on the game. Save yourself the embarrassment. And for cryin' out loud, stop doing what a hater does but denying you're a hater. I know that's nothing to be proud of but if you're gonna do it, claim it when I call you out. 

All comments are welcome. :)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What were they ink-ing???

During the NBA's offseason 2010, Dallas Mavericks weirdo and shooting guard, Deshawn Stevenson had a party at his house and invited the team over as well as his personal tattoo artist for players interested in some ink. Mavs reserve guard, Jason Terry, had THIS done:

It's the Larry O'Brien, AKA, "NBA Championship" Trophy.  That's actually a cool lookin' tat but, I wouldn't have it done BEFORE actually winning one for the organization. He's actually said that he'll have it removed if the Mavs don't win the title this year. That got me to thinking. I'd like to extend that challenge to a few other athletes who've made poor body art decision over the years.

First, Deshawn Stevenson himself. He won the Lil Half Dead Award from me when I saw THIS:

That would be Abraham Lincoln between two fancy-font fives. Get it? Abe's image is on the $5 bill! His explanation? Lincoln freed the slaves! Totally logical! According to Mr.. Stevenson, it was actually a toss-up between Lincoln or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Had he gotten MLK's face, I'd have been the first person trying to assassinate DeShawn's neck for that. If the Mavs don't win, that tattoo must go and to take things further, I want slavery re-instituted for Mr. Stevenson alone.

Kobe Bryant - You probably didn't expect me to get on this next guy...but you probably don't know me as well as you think.

This tattoo was done after he confessed to cheating on his wife whom he met at a video shoot. I STILL wanna know who's video it was and why Kobe was lookin' for high school chicks there. The art itself, is supposed to be a crown, his wife's name where her head should be, and some angel wings. Either that or something else totally different than what I just said. Whatever the case, the shit's goofy looking. It looks like Cockroach's sister did it after she pierced Theo Huxtable's ear. The Lakers were swept by the aforementioned Mavericks. I want that mess removed. 

LeBron James:

His nickname is King James. It's really just too easy to ask the "King of WHAT?" question. He's been in the NBA since 2002 and has but ONE championship title on his mantle. The St. Vincent-St. Mary Irish high school team won the title his senior year. He was given the keys to the league on draft day and in big bold font across his back, he's labeled himself, CHOSEN*1. As tattoos go, he shoulda CHOSEN a different *1. After all those missed shots vs. the Celtics in '10, it shoulda read MAKE*1. When I saw the look on his face as it was clear the Celtics were gonna eliminate his Cavs, days after we got wind of the Delonte West story, I'd have called him SHOOK*1. After the one hour special to announce his team of choice, the tat should have been altered to say FROZEN*1 because it was unprofessional and COOOOLD to handle things the way he did.  If the Heat don't win the championship this year, I propose any of the 3 alterations above.  Besides, there's only ONE Chosen One.

Chandler Jarrell - 

Go Fish vs. Strip Poker

Man vs. Woman. Venus vs. Mars. Yin vs. Yang. Balls vs. Tits. You follow me so far? The battle that's been waged since the beginning of time and civilization. It's a strange battle in that the rules of engagement aren't the same for both combatants. I liken the difference to two extremely unrelated card games being played simultaneously. When men and women are getting to know each other, at times, it's like one side is playing Go Fish, the other side is playing Strip Poker. I'll assume you know in a general sense how these games are played so I'll save that detailed instructions. That's what Google's for. Basically, Go Fish is a game of communicative, collaborative participation. You request a card from my hand, If I have it, I'm expected to give it to you, and "vicey-vercy" as Fred Flintsone would say.  A simple lesson in give and take. We're allowed to openly discuss what we're holding in each other's hands. It's relatively friendly competition. Open and honest, like any quality relationships. Then, on the other hand, there's a darker, more calculated game. Poker is a game that promotes deception, stoicism, and secrecy.  The better liar-uh...bluffer you are, the better poker player you'll be and the more chips you'll stack.  See the connection? :) A round of Go Fish ends after you've honestly given your cards to your opponent or received all of your opponents cards. Either way, through simple question and honest response. Strip Poker? Well, more times than not, a round ends after you've been beaten or tricked by the lie your opponent is telling. SUCKA! NOW, GET NEKKIT!  

In any relationship, it's important to be clear which game you're choosing to play and what game is being played against you. If you're an open, honest, Go Fish player when dating, you expect honesty. You expect openness. You obviously expect communication. If you're one who prefers being misleading and deceitful, Poker is your game. High risk, high reward, high turnover rate. LOL...and honesty is not encouraged.

I have no judgement towards whichever side of the fence you sit on. I simply suggest that before you go wasting your time or the time of someone else, don't sit at the table until you find someone who's playing the same game you are.

Your comment is always welcome.