HOT!!! NUDE!!! GIRLS!!!

Not really but keep reading...THIS IS A BLOG POST I WROTE ON MY MYSPACE PAGE IN 2007. I JUST HAPPENED TO READ IT THIS MORNING AND THOUGHT I'D SHARE. ENJOY IF YOU CAN. LOL

What have I been doing, you ask? 

Oh, just maintainin', pimpin' and panderin', slippin, slidin' and meanderin'/I like my chicken fried or mandarin.  Chillin like a villain minus the robbin' and "stillin'".  ready for the weekend tailgate to do some grillin.  Drink spillin, Peppermillin', Corey Dillon...retired last season. 

Sorry.  That's how I warm up.  Singers do the "mi-mi-mi" thing, musicians go through their scales, athletes inject HGH, I free-write. 

I've been workin' on my DJ skills, y'all!  Once I get tight, and a driver's license, I'll be able to spin at your next gig, social gathering, Super Bowl party, nephew's bar-mitzvah, your hispanic potna's niece's quincinera, booty-shake contest, bus boycott, freedom rally, YOU NAME IT!!! 

Football season.  That means one thing first and foremost.  You can forget about me answering the phone so don't bother calling. Between my Niners and the rest of the NFL, I'm not tryin' to be bothered with much else.  Unless you got some big booty friends comin' through after the game.  Or you ARE a big booty comin' through after the game.  In which case, leave a message and I'll prioritize your call accordingly. 

Enough about big booties for the moment.  Back to football...most people would assume that because I'm a 49er fan I hate the raiders.  Far from true.  First, I live by the motto, "I don't have to hate yours to love mine".  My mother raised 2 boys, no haters. So if the raiders are playing, as long as they aren't playing the Niners, I'm rather indifferent.  What happens is, I hang out at an all raider sportsbar and they cheer loudly for any team that is beating my Niners so I look forward to raider losses when I'm in that bar simply because it means I know I won't have to hear about my team taking one in the loss column.  How you gon' talk shit when yo' shit ain't shit either?  Nah-mean, son? 

Sunday we tailgate.  Perhaps I'll have a blog for you.  The plan is to arrive at the stadium at about 7am...which means only 2 remys saturday night.  I'll be makin' brefiss burritos and my boy's gonna hook up lunch.  Last game we had sausage nigg-muffins for brefiss, salmon skewers, catfish, skrimps, and NY steak.  In a word...HELLAGOOD! This week I'ma have to shop for my own brew though cause a brotha can only drink so much Miller High Life before he starts feelin' like Da Mayor in Do The Right Thing.  (RIP, Ossie Davis!)

Well, folks...my dick is long but my time is short!  'Til next time,

Love, Peace, and Soul!!! (Shout out to Don Cornelius!)

I just had a thought, IMAGINE THAT?  Isn't it a sad testament to the music we listen to, which is influenced by the world we live in, that the old closing line from Soul Train that I quoted above could actually be justifiably replaced with Hate, Violence, and Hip-Hop?

Things that make you say..."Word has far too much time on his hands."

WORD.

Win or Lose, He's Better Than You

"At the end of the day, all the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.  They have the same personal problems they had today,"~LeBron James

This, my friends, is how you respond to adversity. You tell the entire economy-battling nation to kiss your tax-free, wealthy ass. Because AT THE END OF THE DAY, LeBron James is better than you.  Hell, he's better than Jordan. Magic. Kobe. He and Jesus played a game of 1-on-1 but the result of the game is unknown. I think 'Bron won. He's taller than Jesus and those sandals make lateral movement a bit tough for our savior. :)

I just want to take this time to thank LeBron from allowing us the privilege of watching him play "the game of basketball" to take our minds off our shitty lives. If not for him and his ability to dribble a ball, my life would be empty. My soul would be lost.  

LeBron was right. I woke up today with the same life I had yesterday and with the same personal problems.  While he's making millions, I'm just a part-time employee hustling to come up with rent money every month. I hope to find a job with medical benefits before something happens to me. I Still don't have six-pack abs so I don't look as good without a shirt. King James has THE LIFE. According to Scottie Pippen, he's on track to be better than Michael Jordan. He was considered the best player in the league the moment he declared for the NBA out of high school. Add the fact that he's got the most popular mom and baby's mom in all of pro sports and even his hairline has its own Twitter hashtag.  (See #LeBronsHairline) and it's a wonder I haven't jumped off any tall structures due to depression.  

That's right, Mr. King Chosen One James, hold that big-ass head up high. Because no matter what they say about you, it could be worse. You could be Kobe. Successful and STILL hated. Lucky for you, you're just hated.  ;-)

I'm Just Sayin'.

Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for calling a referee a "fuckin' faggot." Joakim Noah was fined $50,000 for calling a fan the same thing. Ok, NBA...Where y'all at??? Jason Terry was seen clearly yelling "BITCH-ASS NIGGA" after hitting a jumpshot in the 4th quarter of Game 4 of the Finals. On behalf of niggas and bitches everywhere, I demand action.  If it's wrong to use a term considered disrespectful to gays, shouldn't we be equally as critical when viewers can see a player using a term that's historically disrespectful to women and black people?

I'm just sayin. :)

"WHO'S TEAM IS IT?"

Can we please stop dissecting greatness? When Shaq and Kobe were winning together all folks cared about was "who's team is it, Shaq's or Kobe's?" That has to be the stupidest sports discussion ever and I roll my eyes whenever it's brought up when talking about a team. Now everybody's going back and forth about LeBron and D. Wade. Who's Batman? Who's Robin? It's clear that Chris Bosh is Catwoman but it makes no sense arguing the roles of 'Bron and Wade. At any given moment, they're both capable of carrying their team. The fact that LeBron couldn't lure any free agents to move to wack-ass Cleveland doesn't make him any less of a great player. He had no help and after 7 years of trying, he wasn't obligated to stay there! They all went to a team that plays in a great city to live in. Simple. Given the choice to join your All-Star friends, how many of you would suggest the 3 of you join forces in Ohio? Toronto? I didn't think so. If just so happened that Wade was already a Heat player. You people weren't calling him Batman when his team was suckin' like a fellatiologist last season and LeBron was dragging the talent-deficient Cavs to the best record in the league two years straight. If Miami was a cold-weather city and he decided to move to Cleveland, you'd probably be shittin' on Wade's name like you do LeBron's. What if they all decided to get together and play in Houston? Who'd be Robin then? 


Wilt Chamberlain didn't win an NBA Championship until 1972 when he joined Jerry West and the Los Angeles Lakers. I'll slap the sh*t outta anyone who dares call Wilt "Robin" to Jerry's "Batman" and it's no more accurate to reverse those labels on those two hall of famers. They were equally as vital to that team's winning. Hell, Jerry West lost in the finals 8 times and is STILL regarded as Mr. Clutch though he didn't get a ring until Wilt became a Laker. Nobody asked who's team it was THEN. When Magic and Kareem played together in the 80s and were winning 5 titles, it was understood that the combination of Magic and Kareem was what made these teams dangerous. You had to deal with The Captain in the paint with that skyhook as well as contain Magic Johnson's ability to run a team. Now, all of a sudden, it's not enough to be a good player on a good team. You've gotta be considered THE MAN on that team to get full respect. I find that to be some bullshit. 


I blame Michael Jordan. Jordan was signed by Nike as a rookie to an unprecedented contract. Nike essentially decided to put all of their marketing efforts into one player instead of a collection of players like typically done by shoe companies. While there were multiple athletes endorsing Converse, Adidas, etc., Mike was given his own shoe with his name on it. From that moment on, he was viewed as a stand-alone performer. It wasn't the Bulls. It was Michael Jordan and the Bulls. His teammates were called "The Jordanaires". They were basically treated like background singers to Mike's lead role. What used to be a barber shop quintet on the court became a solo artist with 4 beat-boxers behind him. Before him, TEAMS were marketed. After him, INDIVIDUALS were marketed. 


The bottom line is, great players who play on teams where they are the only great player end up retiring with no titles. See Charles Barkley, Dominique Wilkins, and Patrick Ewing to name a few. You think Bill Russell woulda won 11 rings without Bob Cousy and John Havlicek? Do me a favor. Read this.  In the deciding game of the Finals, Russell turned the ball over on a bad pass. As the story goes, he pleaded with his teammates to bail him out of that situation, acknowledging that he messed up.  Can you imagine the public scrutiny if that happened to today's "star player"? Let LeBron give up the potential game winning basket, THEN turn the ball over in the deciding moments of Game 7. Regardless if a teammate came up with the play that helped the team win. All folks would talk about is that poor defense and turnover and how LeBron isn't a clutch performer. I remind you AGAIN that Jerry West lost 8 times in the finals, didn't win until Chamberlain joined the team and yet, he's regarded as "Mr. Clutch" in NBA circles. When all is said and done, we were privileged enough to say we saw the likes of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal play. Years from now, I hope folks are able to appreciate that fact and respect the hard work that goes into putting together the legacy these guys have left. When LeBron and Kobe are retired, you're gonna sound really stupid questioning their impact on the game. Save yourself the embarrassment. And for cryin' out loud, stop doing what a hater does but denying you're a hater. I know that's nothing to be proud of but if you're gonna do it, claim it when I call you out. 


All comments are welcome. :)

What were they ink-ing???

During the NBA's offseason 2010, Dallas Mavericks weirdo and shooting guard, Deshawn Stevenson had a party at his house and invited the team over as well as his personal tattoo artist for players interested in some ink. Mavs reserve guard, Jason Terry, had THIS done:

It's the Larry O'Brien, AKA, "NBA Championship" Trophy.  That's actually a cool lookin' tat but, I wouldn't have it done BEFORE actually winning one for the organization. He's actually said that he'll have it removed if the Mavs don't win the title this year. That got me to thinking. I'd like to extend that challenge to a few other athletes who've made poor body art decision over the years.

First, Deshawn Stevenson himself. He won the Lil Half Dead Award from me when I saw THIS:

That would be Abraham Lincoln between two fancy-font fives. Get it? Abe's image is on the $5 bill! His explanation? Lincoln freed the slaves! Totally logical! According to Mr.. Stevenson, it was actually a toss-up between Lincoln or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Had he gotten MLK's face, I'd have been the first person trying to assassinate DeShawn's neck for that. If the Mavs don't win, that tattoo must go and to take things further, I want slavery re-instituted for Mr. Stevenson alone.

Kobe Bryant - You probably didn't expect me to get on this next guy...but you probably don't know me as well as you think.

This tattoo was done after he confessed to cheating on his wife whom he met at a video shoot. I STILL wanna know who's video it was and why Kobe was lookin' for high school chicks there. The art itself, is supposed to be a crown, his wife's name where her head should be, and some angel wings. Either that or something else totally different than what I just said. Whatever the case, the shit's goofy looking. It looks like Cockroach's sister did it after she pierced Theo Huxtable's ear. The Lakers were swept by the aforementioned Mavericks. I want that mess removed. 

LeBron James:

His nickname is King James. It's really just too easy to ask the "King of WHAT?" question. He's been in the NBA since 2002 and has but ONE championship title on his mantle. The St. Vincent-St. Mary Irish high school team won the title his senior year. He was given the keys to the league on draft day and in big bold font across his back, he's labeled himself, CHOSEN*1. As tattoos go, he shoulda CHOSEN a different *1. After all those missed shots vs. the Celtics in '10, it shoulda read MAKE*1. When I saw the look on his face as it was clear the Celtics were gonna eliminate his Cavs, days after we got wind of the Delonte West story, I'd have called him SHOOK*1. After the one hour special to announce his team of choice, the tat should have been altered to say FROZEN*1 because it was unprofessional and COOOOLD to handle things the way he did.  If the Heat don't win the championship this year, I propose any of the 3 alterations above.  Besides, there's only ONE Chosen One.

Chandler Jarrell - 

Go Fish vs. Strip Poker

Man vs. Woman. Venus vs. Mars. Yin vs. Yang. Balls vs. Tits. You follow me so far? The battle that's been waged since the beginning of time and civilization. It's a strange battle in that the rules of engagement aren't the same for both combatants. I liken the difference to two extremely unrelated card games being played simultaneously. When men and women are getting to know each other, at times, it's like one side is playing Go Fish, the other side is playing Strip Poker. I'll assume you know in a general sense how these games are played so I'll save that detailed instructions. That's what Google's for. Basically, Go Fish is a game of communicative, collaborative participation. You request a card from my hand, If I have it, I'm expected to give it to you, and "vicey-vercy" as Fred Flintsone would say.  A simple lesson in give and take. We're allowed to openly discuss what we're holding in each other's hands. It's relatively friendly competition. Open and honest, like any quality relationships. Then, on the other hand, there's a darker, more calculated game. Poker is a game that promotes deception, stoicism, and secrecy.  The better liar-uh...bluffer you are, the better poker player you'll be and the more chips you'll stack.  See the connection? :) A round of Go Fish ends after you've honestly given your cards to your opponent or received all of your opponents cards. Either way, through simple question and honest response. Strip Poker? Well, more times than not, a round ends after you've been beaten or tricked by the lie your opponent is telling. SUCKA! NOW, GET NEKKIT!  

In any relationship, it's important to be clear which game you're choosing to play and what game is being played against you. If you're an open, honest, Go Fish player when dating, you expect honesty. You expect openness. You obviously expect communication. If you're one who prefers being misleading and deceitful, Poker is your game. High risk, high reward, high turnover rate. LOL...and honesty is not encouraged.

I have no judgement towards whichever side of the fence you sit on. I simply suggest that before you go wasting your time or the time of someone else, don't sit at the table until you find someone who's playing the same game you are.


Your comment is always welcome.

The Mike Brown Era...Error?

My Los Angeles Lakers were swept from the playoffs by the team I strongly believe will win the 2011 NBA Championship. My reasoning for this will come in another post. I wanna take this time to address what has become the top story on all sports outlets. The hiring of former Cleveland Cavaliers coach, Mike Brown. According to public opinion, this is a TERRIBLE hire. Though I'm not terribly impressed by the decision, I'm also not terribly disappointed.

As I considered the possibilities, I realized that regardless of the choice and ensuing reaction, that person is NOT who Phil Jackson was. You don't replace a coach who's won 11 titles with a coach who's won 11 or more unless you think Bill Russell would have taken the job. I don't.

It was assumed that Brian Shaw, Phil's top assistant, would be given the job. That never seemed likely to me. The people I spoke to with an opinion on the matter endorsed him for what I consider selfish reasons. It's not enough for me that he's black, from the Bay Area, played for the Lakers, and I know him personally.  My concern can best be expressed in analogy. If you're a parent with a luxury vehicle, an economy car, and a teenage new driver, when it's time to hand over the keys, which set are you giving to your your young "accident in waiting"? You don't trust a first time driver with your luxury car and I don't trust a first time coach with my Lakers. Period. As much work as B. Shaw put in to prepare for a head coaching job, there's no way to prepare for the magnitude of the pressure that comes to the head coach of that team.  I'm not saying Shaw couldn't handle the pressure,  there's just less margin for error (in my mind) with the Lakers considering what's expected of that team vs. what's expected of a lot of other teams and with inexperience, comes error. He's been in pressurized situations as a player, and as an assistant coach. But the light shines differently on the head coach. The Lakers coaching spotlight is one that's probably best handled by someone with battle-tested head coaching experience. 

Another priority in finding the right coach was defensive emphasis. The Lakers have been a bad pick-and-roll defending team since the Shaq & Kobe days (Brian Shaw played on those teams) and we saw how that and other defensive issues had them crawling to the regular season finish line and got them beat with brooms during the 2nd round of the playoffs. 

The most obvious issue is the one that to me, makes this hire more sensible than others. Coaching a high-maintenance superstar. Coach Brown was hired in Cleveland in 2005 to help LeBron James turn the Cavs around after two years of bad finishes. In Brown's first year, he coached the Cavs to the playoffs for the first time since 1998. In year two, the Cavs went all the way to the NBA Finals. Here's that team's starting five:  LeBron James, Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, Drew Goooden, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. :/ Not exactly Murderer's Row. Hell, you're not likely to suffer so much as a paper cut strolling down THAT row. If Mike can figure out how to coach THAT team to the finals, I'm certain he can figure out how to keep a team with Kobe, Pau, Lamar, etc. playoff-relevant. No championships are guaranteed but being a championship CALIBER team will still be possible, and likely.

Mike Brown comes from good coaching pedigree. After 5 years as a scout and video coordinator for the Denver Nuggets, he was hired to be the Spurs assistant coach in 2000. He was a part of the team's championship season in '03 and in '04, became Rick Carlisle asst. for the Indiana Pacers, who made it to the Eastern Conference Finals. Then came his aforementioned Cavs success. These were all teams with high expectations, strong emphasis on defense, and star egos to pacify. Mike's been there, "did dat."

Peep this: The Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat is the likely matchup in the finals. Their respective head coaches? Former Pacers coach Rick Carlisle and former scout and video coordinator, Eric Spoelstra. Through the years, no one imagined either of them would be here. They are.

As a student, after taking and failing a test a few times, unless the administrators change the questions, you'll pass the test. The NBA has been studying the Lakers triangle offense and poor pick-and-roll defense for 11 years and are passing the answers around the rest of the league like a cheat sheet during school finals. The best way to combat this is to change the teaching staff (coach), the lesson plan (offensive/defensive strategies),  get better materials (free agency), and see if they can't stump the league in the 2nd semester of upcoming NBA seasons. 

To be honest, what this team does during the free agency period will say more about the future success possibilities than whether Mike Brown and Kobe are gonna become drinking buddies, but inevitably, THAT'S the story folks will follow with the most interest.

Feel free to comment.

In The Navy

My brother's gonna see the title of this blog post and think I'm talking about him, as he's currently an active member of that particular branch of the military. Sorry, B. It'll make sense in a bit.

I actually meant to share this story with you all weekend but I had a lot going on so I didn't get the chance. Friday was one of those days. The weather was nice, I was well rested, had a few dollars to splurge with and felt like gettin' out.  I got a call from my friend that he was down to roll so he was gonna pick me up around happy hour.  COOL.  Let the beautification process begin! You know the drill, fellas: SHIT, SHOWER, AND SHAVE! Although, I had a light lunch so the first part of that may have been bypassed. Shower and shave complete, my head is smoother than the operator on Sade's first hit single.  Iron clothes, check. Apply lotion, check. Apply body oil, which I have come to refer to as The Murder Weapon. It's no Sex Panther, but it's affective, nonetheless. NOW. The moment of truth. With my new fitness success, I've been able to fit very nicely into a few v-neck sweaters I purchased a while ago so I was rather excited to be able to show off the improved look. :) The navy blue Ralph Lauren sweater. I threw that bad boy on and stood in the bathroom mirror for a good 2 minutes. Checkin' out the fit. Deltoids and trapezius muscles poppin out the shoulders, turn to the side, pecs firm from hours of pushups. YES, I'm puttin it on thick. This is MY story! Ok, I'm done jocking myself. Put on the matching navy blue RL kicks to match the sweater and by the time my friend showed up, I thought I was so fly, I wanted to take MYSELF to bed...but THAT sounds gay, so, nevermind. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) So. Let's recap. I'm wearing a navy blue v-neck sweater, khaki pants with creases sharp enough to cause a death in the next installment of Final Destination, and matching navy blue casual sneakers. In a word? I was "FlyAsAMuh-Fucka". Meet me at the bar, I'll be the brotha "in the navy." (See how I tied that in? LMAO) My ride is here. I'm walkin down the stairs and am anticipating the reaction from my boy. We tend to battle when it comes to sneakers and fresh outfits. I get to the truck and I see him before he sees me. My face drops. He's in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead, wearing a NAVY BLUE V-NECK SWEATER!!!!

All that planning, coordinating, AND PUSHUPS and this cat shows up wearing the same color/style sweater.  We're in front of my place so he suggests I go change. I say "FUCK YOU, BUDDY! MY SHOES MATCH!" I win. Except...he doesn't change clothes, so as soon as we get to the happy hour spot, we both lose. :( 

We arrive at the spot, 3000 Broadway. As we're walking to the door, I see my other friend, Shawn outside so I immediately come up with a damage control strategy. If Shawn walks into the bar with me, NOT my fashion twin, everything will be fine. I suggest this to Shawn, he looks and laughs at us for doing Twin Day Friday but agrees to help me out. We walk in, I sit down, Shawn disappears. The plan was for him to sit in between my twin so we don't look as stupid as I knew we would. I should have shared that plan with Shawn. Maybe he had  a date. Selfish ass. Now, I'm sittin at the bar, nervous because I know dude is coming into the bar any second and there's no way around the fact that there will be two light-skinned, bald-headed black men sitting side-by-side wearing matching navy blue v-neck sweaters. Calm down, Word. Folks are drinking and talking. Maybe they won't notice. I'm saying this to myself until I look to my right, at the bar. Two women are sitting together, looking, and pointing. I'm thinking perhaps they peeped the pecs, were blinded by the sunlight bouncing off my bald dome, or maybe they got a whiff of the murder weapon and the scent had them mesmerized. THEN IT HIT ME AGAIN. I gotta tell them that despite how it looks, we didn't PLAN to come out with matching outfits. Well, before I could lean over and get that explanation out, one of them leans in and yells: "YOU WEARING SAME SHIRT!" She was asian. I hope that came across in the quote. :) My friend immediately rips the sweater off and everyone in our perimeter was in on the joke of the night. As usual, I have no problem supplying the laughs at the party...I just didn't intend on being the navy blue butt of the bar's joke. Lucky for my friend, who asked that his name not be mentioned, he had on an Obama t-shirt underneath and we all know Obama t-shirts can be worn by black people as casual, formal, even churchwear so he never missed a beat. Further humiliation averted, problem solved. The moral of the story? President Obama's campaign was all about CHANGE. I'm usually all for change. Change is good. But I refuse to change when the shoes match and when all was said and done, I was the only brotha in the navy. :) 

Feel Me.

http://youtu.be/cLbZbh2QCLw

In The Beginning...

Though this isn't QUITE the Bible, my hope is that you become similarly committed to reading my thoughts, opinions, insights, rants, and bold statements.  You may not always agree with me, but I promise not to bore you.

I've wanted to start a blog for years but as most writers will tell you, starting is at times the most difficult thing to do. Also, blogging is hard work! And as the great Woody Paige once scribbled on a chalkboard, HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE, LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.   I thought about starting with a formal introduction but most of my early readers know me well and any new readers probably won't care who I am until it's been confirmed that the blog is worth the read.  Instead, I'm barging in like Lenny and Squiggy.

As personalities go, a good friend once called me The Black Vince Vaughn. I guess that makes me a funny guy with asshole tendencies.  I mean that in a good way, of course.  I blame my quick, sharp wit. :) I'm easy to get along with but also a bit stubborn. Perhaps that's the Taurus in me but I'm not much into astrology so, whatever.  Often, when my Granny was angry with me, she would say I'm a "typical W-O-R-D." Apparently, I come from a long line of assholes who had a problem remembering how to spell the family name.  I just know that when I'm wrong, I'll shut up, but when I'm right? You'll wish I WOULD shut up.  

I'd tell you what this blog is about but I, myself, can't tell you which direction I'll be going. I just wanted to start. My 8th grade history teacher always told me that when writing a paper, the best way to start, is to START. So...as student body Most Talkative and Class Clown, whether I'm talking sports, music, or life in general, expect the blog to be amusing, informative, refreshing, and FUN. Buckle up. It's gonna be a bumpy read!